InsaneJournal

Review: Kick Ass Boots

I hate wearing women’s shoes and avoid them like the plague, but the problem there is that I love wearing sexy shoes. Boots are what really do it for me. I still have and wear a pair of very sexy thigh high boots I got my hands on over 20 years ago.

Last year when my Carolina steel toes (that I bought in 1998) finally bit it I went on a search for replacements. God those boots were comfortable and practical. They were my second pair and they lasted forever through all kinds of abuse. Carolina no longer carries my size, the bastards. So, I ordered a ridiculously expensive pair of boots that served just about every fantasy I have ever had when it come to footwear. They are sexy, evil, nasty, and mean. The steel toes are on the outside. They go all the way up to my knees and they have buckles. They are the ultimate sexy MadMax boots from Hell. I can’t wear them out of the house without getting comments. They ran me about $250 and take about half an hour to put on and lace up. I ordered them site unseen online so they’re too big and I have to wear inserts with them. But I digress…

This post is about a completely different pair of boots. My “MadMax” boots are sexy on their own way, and the thigh highs I bought in high school are slinky and have their appeal, but neither pair satisfied that certain Betty Page kind of look I was going for. I have tried on boots in stores that had the look I wanted, but they were always so non-foot shaped inside that there was no way I could deal with them. So, when I was looking through my favorite site for sextoys and found the Ellie Shoes platform boots I was skeptical, but decided it was worth a shot. (Hint: If your favorite sextoy site doesn’t have a clothing section you need to look elsewhere!)

When I first tried them on I thought I was going to die. Really. I was massively hungover and having an impaired balance system, the extremely tall boot just about put me on my ass (one day I’ll explain how aluminum toxicity and other factors have destroyed my equilibrium). I loved the look of the boots, but really didn’t think I would ever manage to wear them standing up.

Well, I was wrong. Once I got both boots on and started waling around, I found them to be quite comfortable and easy to wear. This was a huge shock! They’re actually cushy inside and fit the shape of my feet! They’re fucking comfortable!!! That just does not happen! You probably don’t understand to what extent that does not happen for me. These are miracle boots!

That being said, I still walk like an idiot in them, but I can walk! They have platform soles – a 1½ inch boost that makes the heel look even more dramatic then it really is. Overall, they make me several inches taller than I am used to being, so as I walk through my very old house I keep ducking, thinking I’m going to hit my head on stuff. It’s comical. I clomp around loudly, and it scares the cats, but I’m actually stable in these boots. The heels are broad enough to be stable, but the design of the boot allows them to appear narrow and elegant. Have I mentioned that I can’t walk in girl shoes? I think I could actually learn to do some superhero ass kicking in these. They are that stable.

So, let’s get down to brass tacks here. I was wearing them the other night for a fun photo shoot with my man. When the time came to toss the camera and get down to business I mentioned that I wanted to lose the boots. He was OK with that, but hesitant, until I reminded him that these have a zipper! He’s used to the MadMax boots that take real time and effort to remove. These boots just unzip and go. They have the super sexy laces, but you don’t have to use them.